Let me start this by saying I’ve literally realised I don’t care what any of you think – I will be merciless on this. I am so tired of getting linked with those “hottest players etc etc this world cup” from the likes of Buzzfeed, Elle, some weird ass fashion magazine in Zimbabwe, etc. I am appalled by their lack of research. It’s like they just googled “hot football guys” and fucking went with it. No one in their right mind would think Glen Johnson is attractive, yet he is included in half of the fucking lists that have been sent to me. Also, why do you keep sending them to me? You think I, of all people, don’t know who will be attractive? I let these assholes ruin my life every weekend for 9 months every year (middle of the week sometimes, thanks Champions League) so yeah I can basically tell you which of these bungholes are attractive.
My criteria: If I can still stand them by the end of the season and have no urge whatsoever to ship them to the MLS so their careers can die, then they are a-okay.
Also: If you are one of those haters who shit on people who don’t watch football regularly but would like to participate now during the world cup, then FUCK YOU. We live in a football barren country, YOU FUCKING TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET AND CONVERT THOSE PEOPLE TO BECOME FOOTBALL FANS. THAT IS YOUR JOB!!! DON’T BE FUCKING UPPITY YOU STUPID MAGOO!
Now, off to the men!
Oscar Dos Santos Emboaba Jr.
Why? I’ll give you good reasons, unlike Buzzfeed who just say “look at his glorious etc etc” like wow great job my big toe could have written that.
Neymar has always been touted as the “golden boy” of Brazil, and he will get all the plaudits at the end of this tournament if he doesn’t fuck up. But it is Oscar who will light up and sprinkle magic dust every time he steps on the pitch. I know he might look like he’s five years old and that they only let him join because he wrote to Make-A-Wish, but he is twenty two and he is FINE in all aspects of the word, on the pitch and off. Oscar is the type that every time you look at him, there’s always something new to ogle at. I’m thanking the stars that this boy learned how to comb his hair because honestly during his first year in Chelsea, he looks like someone just woke him up because he’s late for football practice.
I know, I know. Why Ysa? How is he attractive at all? First of all have you seen him topless? The stars weep at the sight of his body.
But let’s get down to why David Luiz is straight up one of the best human beings this planet has produced: Personality. Hah! Ysa how would you know?? BECAUSE HE’S VERY UPFRONT ABOUT IT, DUH. This man has involved himself in every charity that can help children in any way whatsoever. This man sees a kid saying hi to him and he hugs the hell out of that baby and tells him he is loved. He is leaving my club, Chelsea, to go to Paris Saint Germain, and you know what upset fans the most? That we won’t have this prince representing our club’s name. As a player, we won’t miss him much because we have better back ups, but as an ambassador, just him wearing our colours makes our club seem nicer than it ever will be.
How I can convince you, reader: Last year, this kid Oran Tully (who is very sick) was picked by Sky Sports to meet his idol, Chelsea’s John Terry. Now, instead of just meeting him, he met everyone at Chelsea. He asked all of the players a question “What’s your best moment in Chelsea?” and most of them answered winning this or that. But not David Luiz. You know what he said? “This, right now, meeting you!” and kissed the top of Oran’s head. I’M NOT CRYING YOU ARE CRYING GOOD BYE
No Neymar! How could I?: I could because I can see his hair. No Hulk as well because really? Really? When has he been attractive? He is so slow. So, so slow. He has an ass that won’t quit but it just slows him down and honestly, honestly, what is that facial hair situation? God. You know your girl would just about kill for beards, but Hulk needs to step the fuck off and buy a razor. Isn’t Gillette Brazil’s sponsor? What is this negligence then? I need to stop now before he gets angry, don’t really like him when he’s angry.
His hair is made of actual woven gold and you are not allowed to fight me on it. I love Rak-attack. Rakiki. Raki-taka. Okay maybe I kind of went insane when I found out he’s going to Barcelona and started making nicknames. Can you blame your girl? Can you actually blame me? I’m not even going to go in to the cesspool that is my hatred for Barca (no one hates my club more than I do), but he is our saviour, our beacon of light, what Cesc wants to be but can never be, etc. I urge you to watch Croatia play and focus on how his hair bounces. Also how he good he is at his job. Big plus. He also kissed a teammate full on the lips after winning the Europa League, but I don’t know maybe that’s just one of my weird fetishes.
Rest of Croatia: Their beards are very nice to look at that’s it I have no snark for this
Weird tip: Don’t look at Luka Modric like intensely maybe just look at his skills because honestly Luka. you just won the Champions League, recovering crack addict is not a good look.
Mexico & Cameroon:
Guys, I think you’re all great, so why would I subject you to watching Mexico play. Or Cameroon. Or like, watching them play against each other? You say, Ysa how racist! I say, haha do you even know what racism actually is? Racism is not a joke and should never be included in football, end of. I don’t like watching certain national teams play because I don’t like their style, simple as that. It’s as simple as saying I don’t like watching Real Madrid because they annoy the living shit out of me. Also, Chicharito is the closest thing they have to something to be stared at, and even Manchester United opted to not play him to save us from having to look at him.
EVERYONE!! THEY ARE ALL SO GOOD LOOKING HUHUH
Sike. Fooled you. Just like this team has been fooling you for the past two years. You know, nothing more annoying than someone who used to have it good, but then ignores that the world around them has evolved then complains why the good old habits of yesteryears don’t seem to quite do it anymore. No one likes a preachy senile old man, Spain.
Now, to the men.
Ysa, not a Chelsea player again!! Here’s the thing, bitcherooney: I want you to at least see some good in this team. Azpi is one of the best fullbacks in the world, is part of the best defence in Europe and the only reason I felt bad for Spain a tiny bit. Watch him, watch his gloriously timed runs, watch his perfectly executed tackles and thank the heavens he is Spanish. Imagine if that was Arbeloa still there. This man’s passion will make you feel pain. Can you imagine how he felt having to be part of a defence that has Pique and Ramos as a CB pairing? Have some pity on the guy. Also: Ath-pili-kweta.
David Silva & Andres Iniesta
What? A pairing? Y E S. There is something incredibly attractive in two players having some sort of magical connection. David Silva and Iniesta just make you go *beyonce voice* god damn god damn god damn!!!!! when they do their sublime passing with each other. I fully expect you to be watching them closely from now on, and for that, you are welcome.
I’m not over him leaving us. I will never get over it (unless he comes to Barcelona, come on, do it) but he simply cannot be ignored. This man makes straight men gay. I’ve seen it happen. I remember one time he instagrammed a picture of an old theatre saying he just watched Woody Allen’s Blue Jasmine. Are you fucking kidding me, Juanin? I’ve been hearing rumors that he is gay (or bi, not sure) and I am not even surprised because if there’s anything I am good at, it is falling in love with closeted gay men.
Javi “where am I?” Martinez
Aside from the lost jokes (he was left by Bayern’s bus at the Camp Nou after securing a place in the 2013 CL finals), there’s a reason why the Bavarian giants splashed a bunch of euros on this former Bilbao man. He is good. He is so good. Remember 2013 Bayern? Ah, the good old days before Pep forced them into Tiki Taka. He was the heart of that. He has a goofy smile that just melts the ice queen in me. He’ll bring out the caring mother in you. Ah, Javi. You silly giraffe.
Must I get into this. Must I really. There are men out there who, no matter what, will stand the test of time. This is Xabier. Even Jesus is like “omg Xabi!!111!!”.
Rest of Spain: If this was 2010 I would gladly put all of them here. But times have changed. People became worse at their jobs. Sergio Ramos made people believe he was good because he scored goals, but forgot he’s a pretty lousy CB. Emotions take you far, but letting it control you too much leads to many mistakes, Serhio. I wanna guide you all in life, I want to help you, so let me starts with this: Gerard Pique has never been good looking. If I was forced to look at his eyes and his eyes alone, maybe yes. But that man has given me enough grief for the last 4 years. Spain’s best keeper last year was Victor Valdes, not Iker. Why is David Villa here. Why is Fernando Torres here. Fernando Llorente, handsomest of all, scorer of actual goals, is not called up. I welcome all your anger with open arms. (also can we quit thinking Cesc is good looking? He probably is but he’s very bad at his job and so, you know, bye)
Netherlands, Chile, Australia:
You are lying to me if you tell me you are going to watch them play. Any team that has Van Persie and Vlaar on it instantly gets ugly, so why bother? Let us move on.
Whole of Group C:
I do not chase men, but if I see him walking down the street, a bitch just might start power walking.
There is no one else here. Save yourself from this group.
Uruguay and Costa Rica:
Were any of you on the Forlan train? No? Good. We can move on to the good stuff.
Like Roy Hodgson, I will focus on the youth even tho they will probably let the whole country down. Probably.
Who is he, you ask. Thank you for your question!!! Luke Shaw is 19 years old and a promising left back from Southampton. Will he stay there? Probably not. Will he play for Manchester United? Will it matter? they’re not in the Champions League, who cares. He looks like a puppy and his body is banging. How is he 19, you ask me. I ask myself that every day while I shower. If I find the answer, I’ll let you know ASAP.
He is actually 26 years old, so I’m allowed to ogle this one. I’m just really into beards okay. He looks like a sheep and I want to be his shepherd.
Rest of England: Must we talk about Wilshere? Ugh, f i n e. He’s cute, but if you had to spend some years listening to everyone overhype the guy, then you’d probably just feel bad for him and say “it’s okay Jack, you have your dimples, they will never be overrated”. They also have Wayne Rooney which really just dampens the whole experience.
Oh god where do I start????
Principino. Mi amore. Spaghetti. Grazie. Prosciutto. Ah. Bearded, shaven, naked, clothed, whatever – he just does it. He used to have long curly hair. I was in crisis then. Now he started being all ~fashion~ and I honestly have no words anymore. Also helps that he’s great at this football thing.
what a face this face what a cute this cute!! I want to pinch and bite your cheeks!!! He is also very good at scoring, that’s why he’s leaving Torino for the bright lights of Borussia Dortmund (you know what it is).
Mattia De Sciglio
What is it with me and younger guys? Isn’t my aim in life to date a dying billionaire? Will he be my side bae? Should I write this as fan fiction? Tune in next week when I have another existential crisis because a 20 year old took off his shirt. ALSO CAN ITALIANS KNOCK OFF THE WHOLE SUIT THING IT’S NOT VERY GOOD FOR MY HEALTH GOD
Can you just do me a favor and look at their roster I mean honestly god
Switzerland, Ecuador, Honduras:
Ah mon petit macaron. A man I mostly kept to myself because I was selfish and he’s an idiot so it’s actually embarrassing to show him off. But what a talent! When he scores, you will definitely remember. He just doesn’t care for ~simple~ goals. There’s a video of him gallivanting around New York with his sister and after watching that I had an epiphany “wow he’s actually a huge buttface” but I’m into it so what can I do. Too deep, etc.
Rest of France: I’d probably get hate if we’re on tumblr right now because I left out Olivier Giroud, but honestly? There’s only so much stupidity one can take from one player, and he doesn’t even play for my club. It used to be cute, I used to laugh at his incompetence in using hashtags, but buddy, you’re just not very smart. You disappoint me so much I can’t even look at you anymore. Karim Benzema’s the type of guy you avoid at the club. You feel oily the minute he stares at you.
Leo Messi, Angel di Maria, Gonzalo Higuain, Sergio Aguero
Ysa!! A foursome? And Di Maria, really? Ladies, ladies. Calm down. What I give to you is the sexiest attack in world football right now. I want you to enjoy football too, you know. I don’t want you to just stare at guys for 90 minutes because it gets tiring (and heartbreaking for some) so here, have some sexy football. Argentina’s defence isn’t as glorious as this, so all of the pressure will truly be on them to bail them out of this World Cup.
Bosnia and Herzegovina:
I want you all to give this team some love. This is their first world cup EVER! That’s all.
Nigeria and Iran:
NOT SIKE NOT FOOLING YOU, E V E R Y O N E!!!
If I do this like I did for everyone I will probably write 50,000 words and that will not be enough to tell you how I feel about each and everyone of these jungs.
Let me just give you some names (that are actually at the World Cup, unlike some lists that included guys who aren’t even called up or are injured? Like? RESEARCH GOD DAMN!!)
Bastian FUCKING Schweinsteiger
You might be thinking, they’re not all sexy, Ysa. WELL SORRY BECAUSE THEY ARE FOOTBALL GODS!!! There is nothing, I repeat NOTHING sexier than someone who does their job so efficiently. Nothing. Lahm so good he can play in any position literally don’t fight me on this because I will defend Lahm until my dying breath. Good bye.
I’m pretty sure this team does not exist
USA and Ghana:
It’s incredibly futile to talk about things that won’t matter in the end.
Actual human garbage bag and deplorable goat. He is what Giroud should aim to be, incredibly dumb but is one of the best in his field. Least you could do. Demented little genius with an ass that just won’t quit. God bless u for coming to my life.
Behold, ladies, the best goalkeeper in the world – for the next decade or so. Goodbye, Iker. Goodbye, Manuel. Goodbye, Gigi. Goobye, Petr. Iker Casillas is not extremely handsome – not at all. He gets the ladies with his saint-like saves. Thibaut is an upgrade – taller, leaner, faster reflexes. He can be real cute too.
Captain cheekbones. Fancy face. I’ve called him many things these past few years, because I am that chick who hollas at every butt she sees. He hasn’t played much because of injuries but he’s pretty fit now (yeah he is) and hopefully he plays an important role in Belgium’s defence.
The rest of Belgium: They are all cuties ok! I think I made a point about this in my guide to the WC, but I must say it again – THEY ALL CUTE. Ya’ll might be like, who the fuck is Belgium?? PROBABLY SOME OF THE MOST GOOD LOOKING LADS YOU WILL EVER SEE (plus they are so good with the football and such).
South Korea, Algeria and Russia:
Are any of you even reading still? Ya’ll are not gonna watch these guys play anyway (unless they’re playing the Belgians) so I’m not going to pretend I am in any way attracted to any of their players.
Congrats on finishing this and I hope you enjoy the men – but most importantly, the football!
(all images are from google and tumblr :3 )