Ysa’s easy guide to the FIFA 2014 World Cup

Hello! I’m alive! Hah! Another football post! Forgive me!

Anyway, I’ve gotten a ton of requests from my friends (who are all gay) to make this since they are going to watch the upcoming World Cup and they want to know what’s going on and who is who. If you follow me on Tumblr, you may have been bombarded by pictures of football players that are incredibly handsome (and talented, important). I may have pushed them to get attracted to my club’s players so this is ultimately my fault, really.

Also, if you only get to watch football during international competitions (World Cup, Euro Cup, etc) well then this is a refresher course! League football (Premier, La Liga, Serie A, Bundesliga) is pretty hard to watch in this country. Biggest fucking sport in the world and yet, you have to go through so much to get a decent fucking channel to air matches.

BEFORE I START!!!!

If this is your first time watching football seriously, or at all, please do not judge the sport on this event. This is national football, meaning countries have no choice whatsoever on who plays for them – they can’t fucking draft people, they take what they can get. The football itself may not be as great as what you can watch on actual club level. If you want to watch amazing football, head on over to the Champions League, which is arguably the best competition in the world. We can’t all be Spain, Germany or Brazil here. What makes the WC great, however, is that these players are playing for pride and you bet your ass they will give their all on that pitch.

OKAY WOOOOHOOOOO LET US DO THIS!!!

I’ll do this by groups – as you know, the 32 countries are divided into 8 groups of 4, then we get the last 16 from there, and so on.

GROUP A

Brazil – Okay I will admit to being a bit skeptical when it comes to these guys. Since they are the host country, they get automatic qualification so they didn’t have to play qualifiers, meaning I didn’t get to judge them so much for 3 years. The team is in huge transition, and if the last time you saw Brazil was in South Africa 2010, then you are in for the shock of your life. You will not recognise this team. But, something happened in a span of 2 years – the young players started becoming prominent in their respective clubs. Thiago Silva, Oscar, Neymar, Ramires, David Luiz, Dante, Marcelo – all had stellar seasons with their clubs. They are starting to gel, and Neymar, who’s had a complicated start in Barca because of tax issues, has an amazing goal-scoring form with the national team. The Confeds last year really showed us what they can do – they beat Spain (YES, SPAIN!!!) 3-0 at the Maracana. It’s going to be fun watching them, and I have a feeling they will be in the final – playing in your country does wonders, as was evidenced by their thrashing of the Lannisters of football (hahah Spain).

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Croatia – Their striker Mario Mandzukic (of Bayern Munich royalty) is suspended for 3 matches, I think. So I don’t know. Can Luka Modric, who is having an amazing second season at Real Madrid, carry them to get out of the group? We’ll see.

Mexico – Lol lol lol lol best player is a benchwarmer for Manchester United and they barely made it to the World Cup. But hey, lots of things can happen from now till June – their new manager might get something out of these guys. Still, lol.

Cameroon – Thank u for coming hope u liked the tour of Brazil come again

GROUP B

Spain – Ah, a conundrum. Can they win again? I don’t care. What’s going to be interesting is the selection of the 23 men coming to Brazil. They have a problem that most other countries would die to have – their national team is full of talented players. All of their guys are starters and actual superstars for their clubs. But, unless you are from Barcelona or Real Madrid, you are not guaranteed a spot. I like Spain but I don’t love them, you know? They usually infuriate me. I have a lot of respect for Iker Casillas because he is an amazing goalkeeper, but his drama last year because of being benched was stupid(club over player anytime, asshole. No one is undroppable – NO ONE), and his girlfriend ruined the Real Madrid dressing room. Power couple of the decade. They also have that striker dilemma, who can play the most effective number 9 in the Spain system, because lord knows Diego Costa tried. Anyway they have a lot of handsome men and are very nice to look at but I would really like to see them alter their style of play that is all thank u. ALSO IF YOU CHOOSE ARBELOA OVER AZPILICUETA THEN WE ARE DONE SPAIN!! WE ARE DONE!!!

In all seriousness though, if you have a soft spot for these dummies, they are honestly unbeatable at their best. They are incredibly rich with talent and if they are all utilised in the best way, then what’s stopping them from picking up this trophy again? The catalyst (or would be) of this team is the downfall of Tiki-taka. Barcelona has been found out during their 7-0 aggregate thrashing by Bayern (I’m still recovering from this by the way) and Jose Mourinho’s Real Madrid has beaten them well during the past 2 years. That system doesn’t work flawlessly anymore. You need your defenders to actually defend. You can’t keep the ball all the time and expect to always have an end product – people know how to get it back now and counter their asses off. Your wingers need to be fullbacks and your fullbacks need to be wingers. The likes of David Silva and Juan Mata need to work even without the ball – these kinds of players can be high risks when they play against attacking sides with bullies in midfield. Iker is great yes whatever, but he’s going to be well fucked if his defenders continually blow things up for him. A centerback pairing of fucking Pique and Ramos is the most laughable thing in football now. How Ramos still gets into the Fifa World 11 every year is beyond me. Fucking beyond. He collects red and yellow cards for fun. Ugh I can literally do this all day.

Sorry I have a lot of grievances to air out with Spain.

this is Jesus Navas

this is Jesus Navas

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Netherlands – ugh. UGHHH. I literally do not like this team because they are so dirty but I guess watch out for Van Persie, Sneijder and Arjen Robben. UGHHHHHHHH!!!!

Chile – Take them seriously. They outplayed Germany (they lost but whatever) and tbh they just need clinical finishers and they are good to go. Juventus maestro Arturo Vidal (his head looks like a vagina) is here, so is Barca’s Alexis Sanchez who hit form under Tata Martino’s guidance. Spain better be careful.

Australia – They’ll have a fun time at the beach I guess.

GROUP C

Colombia – eh. Falcao might not make it due to an awful injury(while playing for fucking Monaco?? who even watches you bro??), but this is a rather evenly matched group – all four have a chance of progressing, so we’ll see. They had the edge with Falcao, but hmm. This is difficult.

Greece – Last I saw they had a pretty solid defence. Let’s see if that will carry them towards the round of 16.

Ivory Coast – Two words: Yaya Toure. Also: DROGBAAAAAAAA!!! But seriously though, Yaya Toure is the best player in the premier league right now and although I despise his team I am not ashamed to say it. I love him (he was a Barcelona player) and think the world of him. He and Drogba might be able to do something, along with Gervinho who’s having a good time at AS Roma.

Japan – Shinji Kagawa used to be my sunshine prince when he was playing for Dortmund. Now that he “plays” for United, all I feel for him is pity because they ruined him. HE WAS A SUPERSTAR!! HE WAS SUPPOSED TO RIVAL EDEN HAZARD’S RISE!! WHY!!! but yeah Japan’s cool, they have as much chance as everyone else in this group.

GROUP D

Uruguay – They have Luis Suarez and Edinson Cavani up front. Yeah. But they were still beat by Spain and Italy at the confeds last year so… You can’t always outscore the opponent.

Costa Rica – Yeah like, have some fun, don’t feel too bad, you get to play against great teams, the fact that you made it this far is an achievement! Clap clap clap.

England – There is only one thing I ask of England – that they crash out of the competition by penalties. Nothing more entertaining than watching English internationals taking penalties (besides Lampard, Gerrard and by some extension, Ashley Cole). It’s like, you want to look away because secondhand embarrassment but then it’s such great entertainment seeing these guys fail? It’s the best. I also hope that they call up the young boys so they can work alongside some greats. Luke Shaw, Jay Rodriguez, Adam Lallana – these men deserve to be on the plane to Brazil come summer. ALSO LUKE SHAW IS 18 YEARS OLD HE IS THE CUTEST THING WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE???

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Italy – Contrary to popular belief I don’t actually hate Italy – I just love Germany so much and wanted them to win so they can get the Euro Cup they deserve. But ah, it was not meant to be. Anyway, Italy’s quite alright. Andrea “actual Jesus” Pirlo is still a boss, Iker Casillas’ actual lover Gianluigi Buffon is still a goalkeeping Don. Claudio Marchisio causes me actual pain in the chest, and Mario Balotteli feels like he has something to prove. They crashed out of the WC 2010 along with France during the group stage, so these guys would probably be looking to avenge themselves. Can you believe it? From winning the cup in 2006, to crashing out during the fucking group stage four years later. This is going to be exciting to see, I hope they don’t disappoint.

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GROUP E 

Switzerland – I don’t know why they have a high ranking, I mean I’ve seen them play? What is this? So many unexplainable things! They beat Spain once. That can go in their history.

Ecuador – They’re okay. Don’t expect much.

France – They don’t have a great striker. I mean they have Giroud..but no. Benzema for some reason sucks when he’s playing for France. Okay maybe Ribery can help them? Tbh France had to go to the playoffs against Ukraine and LOST the first leg 2-0, then made a comeback in the home leg. Don’t bet on them to go that far. Also: Antoine Griezmann.

Honduras – Certificate of participation goes to…

GROUP F 

Argentina – Ah. Hmm. Here’s the thing: Messi. Aguero. Di Maria. Higuain. But then again, they have Demichelis. Jokes aside, this is a great team, but will Brazil allow their enemies to win in their home soil? I don’t know. Lionel Messi is the best player of this generation, and a lot of people are saying that he only needs the World Cup to be the best of ALL TIME. For me he’s already the best of all time, I don’t need him to win a WC. Yeah this team will go the distance, but will they win it? There’s politics involved. Rivalries. They beat Brazil in a friendly 2 years ago but that doesn’t count and it’s in New York so no home advantage to anyone. Diego Maradonna had no business leading this team in 2010 and he is the reason they suffered. Their new manager has got his stuff right though. Watch all their matches.

Bosnia and Herzegovina – This is their first ever world cup!! YAYY!!! They’re pretty cool and Edin Dzeko might impress. I had a slight crush on him but he plays for Manchester City so that died out pretty quick. I hope they get to the round of 16! I quite like them!

Iran – I’m really glad for them that they’re going to Brazil, that’s all!

Nigeria – They’re a good team! Saw them last year at the confeds and recently against Mexico. It was a goalless draw but it was very entertaining. They might actually progress to the round of 16 instead of Bosnia but we’ll see.

GROUP G 

Germany – OKAY THIS WILL BE LONG BECAUSE THIS TEAM IS THE BEST TEAM TO EVER GRACE THIS EARTH OKAY OKAY SO YES BEAR WITH ME I ALREADY HAVE THE KIT FOR THIS WORLD CUP (I ALSO HAVE ARGENTINA AND SPAIN’S BUT WHATEVER IT’S ONLY BECAUSE OF THE DESIGN) I WILL BE SUPPORTING THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU THANKS

FIRST OF ALL YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY ANYTHING MEAN ABOUT PHILIPP LAHM WHO IS AN ANGEL AND SHOULD BE CANONISED HE IS BEST HUMAN BEING I WILL LITERALLY CUT YOU IF YOU SAY SHIT ABOUT PHILIPP LAHM LIKE WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN HE IS AMAZING AND BEST AND HE CAN PLAY ANY POSITION AND WIN OKAY HE CAN DO IT I AM SURE OKAY HE IS A SAINT!! A SAINT!!! (for the record I am not attracted to him physically this is beyond that like have u ever seen someone so good at what they do and is an amazing human altogether this is that okay NEVER THINK OF HIM THAT WAY!!!)

ALSO IF YOU DARE DISRESPECT BASTIAN FUCKING SCHWEINSTEIGER I WILL END YOU!!!! HE IS A KING AMONG MEN!!! A KING!!!! BAVARIAN ROYALTY!!!!

Okay now that I got that out of my system, how do I even begin with Germany? They deserve to win everything ever made. Everything. Manuel Neuer is the best goalkeeper in the world BETTER THAN YOUR FAVORITE OKAY MILES AHEAD. Mats Hummels, who is an actual God and whose face was carved by Venus herself, is DA BEST center back like Dortmund keeps losing when he’s not around?? Hello??? (he has issues with Jogi the manager tho but whatevs) Thomas Muller is the best Thomas Muller (seriously what does he actually do? Who is aware) ever and he scores goals that are not physically possible from his actual position like where does he find space at all. Marco Reus and Mario Goetze together makes everything better, Miroslav Klose, as old as he is, is still better than all your forwards. Mesut Ozil is a magician and he deserves all the praise (ARSENAL FANS PLEASE COOPERATE). Ugh everyone is perfect that is it.

I want them to win and when they don’t I will convince myself they got the moral victory that’s it.

IF U WANT MORE PROOF OF PERFECTION TO PLS WATCH DIS

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Portugal – Cristiano Ronaldo and some other dudes probably.

Ghana – They are awesome because they have Michael Essien.

USA – It’s very nice that they’re trying I mean really good for you clap clap clap also Landon Donovan is old so is Clint Dempsey so yeah, bye.

GROUP H 

Belgium – OKAY FIRST OF ALL I HAVE GOTTEN A TON OF SHIT FOR SAYING I LIKE THEM AND THAT I WISH TO SEE THEM GO FAR

LIKE FIRST OF ALL YOU OBVIOUSLY DON’T ACTUALLY WATCH FOOTBALL BECAUSE YOU’RE BASING YOUR JUDGMENT ON THE PAST LIKE?? WHO IS U?? WHAT IS YOU?

But I am here to help you all. For those who are open to new stuff, please watch the Belgians this upcoming tournament because they have an array of young talent that are becoming actual phenomenons in their respective clubs. Eden Hazard, Romelu Lukaku, Kevin De Bruyne, Christian Benteke, Jan Vertonghen, Thomas Vermaelen, Vincent Kompany, Thorgan Hazard, Thibaut Courtouis – these guys are all beasts. Some of these guys are owned by my club, Chelsea and Eden Hazard is becoming a God and a half under Jose Mourinho.

They might not win but you may witness the rise of a future powerhouse.

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Algeria – Thank u so much for coming tho

Russia – They’re actually still quite good and if Arshavin gets his shit together they might beat out South Korea for the 2nd spot in the group.

South Korea – They have players from the Bundesliga and the PL so they can compete seriously. They might make round of 16 we’ll never know.

Additional info: 

Best kits: Germany, Argentina, Spain (their 2nd kit, the black one, looks gorgeous on them). Adidas turned it up this year! Honestly!

If you want to talk to me about football please tweet me at @ZforZola. I will be tweeting from there the whole time during the World Cup (I actually tweet more there than I ever do at @Scaredpotta) so don’t be all surprised that I’m quiet during the matches I am just actually in another twitter where I am accepted thank u god bless.

Most importantly, just enjoy it! This happens every 4 years! I know for sure there’s going to be a lot of hate like in 2010 because people are very narrow-minded, but fuck them! Football is the most beautiful sport in the world – there’s a reason why even basketball players such as Kobe Bryant geek the fuck out over Messi and company. Enjoy the handsome faces, the perfectly sculpted butts – they’re going to be sweating like crazy because it’s in Brazil and it will be glorious.

And now, the waiting begins. Less than 100 days! For now, let’s anticipate the commercials – you know they’re going to be insane. Nike, Adidas, Pepsi – BRING IT.

Lots of love and butts,

Ysa

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