Before you get excited, I’m sorry to say that there are no material things on this list. There’s absolutely nothing I want for Christmas that you can buy anywhere. I’m not trying to be a better person than everyone because last year I made a list as well and I did want some things. This year is just different, I guess.
It has been an incredibly tough year, and the thing about it is I was blessed with material things, but not so much with peace of mind and happiness. I got everything I wanted with hard work and incredible money saving skills, but at the end of the day I realized how unhappy I was, even though the things I thought that would make me happy are staring at me, displayed around my room, waiting for me to use them.
Without further ado, my wishlist:
- I want whatever is happening in Syria to stop so that POEA can lift their travel ban. It’s the only reason my family can’t come home. It’s so hard, knowing that they can come home but they won’t be able to go back to their jobs if they do so. Also: I want the thing to stop because a lot of lives have been wasted, and the fighting has become too much. It’s beginning to look like the government is just bullying the people, and to know that your family is in the middle of it? Jesus.
- I just want to feel better about certain things. Yes, my grandmother did commit suicide last June. It will NEVER be okay. But, it can get better. I am still not getting better at understanding it, to be honest. I have no idea where I’m going to get the strength I need to cope with this. I can’t even begin to tell you how much this has consumed my life, because the moment it happened, I became a different (for a while, a very terrible) person. I did not like it, having to be such a bad person, but it helped. It cleared my mind and drove away the thoughts of my Mama Nel’s death. But then, after a while, I realized how much I hurt the people around me. What if someone did that to Mama Nel? I hated myself again. I can’t even talk about this anymore. (See how much I need help??)
- I’m incredibly happy with the people surrounding me right now, so I wish that they would stay everyday. This has been the only redeeming factor of my year, and I wish all of you (yes reader, you, because I know for a fact that only my friends read my blog) to never leave me. Do I seem clingy? a bit out of character, I know but I don’t give a fuck. You people are the only constant thing in my life right now, and it’s making things better for me.
- Understanding. I need more of it, stat. As I said before, I’m very happy with the people in my life right now. Some of them are in very difficult situations (5 of my friends are athletes, one is a single mother, some are just not having a great year as well) and I love them all too much to let these situations get the better of them! The better of us, actually. I do not understand most of what they’re going through, so I need to get a hold of myself and try harder. Upside of this is that I’m getting very good at it.
That’s it. I apologize for the sappiness, but come on, I don’t do it a lot.