Tired old lady

How many times do I have to talk about me being so tired?

Thing is, before it was all about schoolwork, which was definitely okay with me. I mean, I may complain about it, but the time will come that it will be finished and I will be proud of my work. The things I’m beginning to get tired of nowadays are a little too hard to ignore.

I truly apologize for the workmanship

My thesis PLUS my majors is not a good combination. What reeks is that our professors for our majors know we’re going through such a hard time, but they continue to pile on the work anyway. But, with a little time management, even this seems like nothing compared to the other shit I’m dealing with.

My family has been difficult for the last few weeks, mainly because they are sometimes a hindrance to me finishing school. The entrance test for the Ateneo Law school was last Saturday and I told them how much it would mean to me if they would just let me take the test, but no. It’s becoming very hard to live in this house, but I have no choice. They bribe me with money so I wouldn’t do some things, and seriously, who does that? It’s incredibly upsetting that they think their money has power over me and my actions. Yet they ask me why I need a therapist.

My friends(high school, and a few only) are becoming very immature, or am I just getting too old? I try to be a good friend and listen to their “problems”, but when your problems consist of you not liking someone just because they are chubby, well then you can just go fuck yourself. I’m trying my best to stay, but we’re  growing apart very fast and I’m not missing them the slightest.

Look, it’s not that I don’t enjoy being crazy with friends once in a while, but it  hasn’t been that way in a long time. Now it’s just secrets, lies and “let’s meet up and talk about how I’ve been single for 7 months now but I secretly want to have a boyfriend because that’s what defines me as a person”. A bit much? Try having that around you for 12 years non stop.

Okay, moving on. My relationship with G is okay, but we’re a bit careful because of circumstances we can’t avoid. I can’t really talk about it (which is the best thing ever) but there are times when it becomes too much work, and it’s not ourselves we have to work on. It’s worth it though.

My therapist being annoying is because I said I only want to see her once a week, instead of  the twice routine we had for the past few months. I have G to thank for this because he would tell me stories he heard from around the world, and it would calm me down. My therapist thinks I’m not ready to cut back on trips though. She says I need more time with her because I still have violent tendencies and I still keep thinking violent thoughts, but I told her that G is helping me with that. I think she’s the crazy one.

Loss of privacy is a bit too complicated for me to get into. I’m still recovering from this, but it’s one of the worst things to ever happen to me. I don’t feel safe anymore. I value my privacy very, very much. For it to be taken away from me is like ripping me in half. I cannot even.

Also: I was asked by someone how I like to do things, and I replied with “I like to do my work alone”. Person replied with “You must be very lonely”. FYI, Alone and lonely do not have the same meaning. Stop spreading that bullshit. I don’t want people to continue thinking this way.

As Dr. Seuss says:

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

I just hope you guys aren’t full to the brim like me.



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4 responses to “Tired old lady

  1. Ate! Sayang naman ‘yung Ateneo. Hope you work it out eventually tho!

    If it makes you feel better about having violent thoughts, I believe that in an ideal world there are streetsharpshooters always on duty for every asshole misogynist that catcalls/cops a feel/whistles at ya.

  2. Ang basa ko don ay “The rapist being annoying” LOL Hi bebeeee

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